So this week has been such a confusing one for me. I feel like my brain is melting from everything I've been put under. It's hard to believe that I only have one more month in Charlotte too. I can't even imagine what all I went through this year that I lived in Charlotte. When I first moved here I had mixed feelings. I was moving in with my best friend but I was going to miss my parents since we were trying to become closer. My friend only stayed with me for a week while she spent the rest of the first month in Virginia. She finally sent me a message on Facebook, yes Facebook, telling me that she wouldn't be living with me anymore because I was this horrible person and so forth. My thoughts were how would she even know what it was like to live with me when she was the one lying to me about her car being broken because if it was that bad she wouldn't be able to drive around like she would and since she was only here for a week and completely shut me down and pushed me away to where I couldn't fix a thing. She was my friend of five years and had made me out to be this horrible monster and left me out cold and dry. I became so lonely after that and my depression grew worse. My self-harming went to the next step. She came while I was at school and got her things plus a lot of things I needed like food, dish cleaner, laundry detergent, and more. I felt so helpless and that feeling followed me for a long time till I became very good friends with a girl named Rebekah. She understood my feelings and thoughts and we became closer and closer and now we are best friends! I'm so thankful for having her as a friend because who know what kind of mindset I would have been if she wasn't there to help me. I then met a girl named Brittney and we were like a little married couple. She would cook dinner for me and I would take her out on dates. It was so wonderful to me and I was head over heels in love with her. We spent almost every moment together and I thought it was the most beautiful feeling I could have ever have had. Then one day in December she got into a lot of trouble and her mother took her from Charlotte and made her move back to her hometown. The sad thing is that I didn't find out until the last day she was staying in Charlotte. Her friends even knew before me. She left January first and I wanted to still date her because she meant a lot to me. More and more time passed and she slowly stopped talking to me and when we finally broke up I felt no sadness. Since she ignored me so much it was easier for me to let go. I then found myself looking at this beautiful girl. I remember the first time I found myself attracted to her; she was helping me set up stock and re-organize everything. I loved how hard working she seemed and that gleam of ambition in her eyes. It took over me and I couldn't help but to fawn over her. When ever she looked at me with those eyes it made my heart race rapidly and not many people have that affect on me. I wanted her so I allowed myself to open up. I started talking to her more and more and more. She would give me these little smiles and act all bashful. She noticed things about me like how I always looked lonely, my half smile, when I was crying, and more. No one really realized those things about me but she did and it made me like her even more. I encouraged her to let herself go around me and be free; to try and give me a chance as a girl to make a relationship out of it. I found myself in this dizzy euphoria for a few weeks. She let me kiss her and miss her. I loved it so much. She was something new and refreshing to me. Everything was well until her birthday party when I realized how much I began to like her. I saw her dancing with other boys and all I could think is that I wish that could be me, I wish she didn't want to keep me as a hidden secret. She was so confused about me that she didn't want to make it public until she knew for sure. Back to that night though; I remember clearly how she held me and when she told me that I was still pretty when I cried. She made me feel so safe and I felt accepted. After that night things took a slight bump and then things got better but then things took a turn for the worse. She slowly stopped talking to me just like everyone else does. I tried to grasp on as tight as I could but everything slowly kept slipping through my hands. Ever since I was small I had to watch every single thing I cared for be ripped from under me and I didn't want to loose that comfortable feeling she gave me but there was no stopping it. She says that she doesn't want to get attached to me but that's what I need. I want someone to put their faith in me because I won't let them drown. She's so dead set on her want of not wanting to get attached to me that I'm now helpless. I can't do a thing to make things better and so many people talk to me. "She used you", "She doesn't really want you", "She's lying"; These people were people looking from the outside and didn't really know her so I tired to keep those words in the back of my mind though they ate me up through the inside. Now I don't even know if she really cared about me and we don't even talk anymore. It makes me so upset because I wanted things to work. I'm tired of being the one to always mess every single thing up and can never keep a thing alive. My mind is just so confused. I want to have one thing in my life that is a constant because all of these twist and turns just make me dizzy and I'm not sure on how to handle anything.
Sorry for the long and blah-ish post. There is too much on my mind.
-Take Care
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